1. Small, ongoing talks matter more than one big talk
2. Use real words and simple answers.
3. Safety and openness build lasting trust.
This blog is part of our “Displacing Shame” Training. If you would like to learn more about this training or any of other trainings. Click Here.
It Happened in the Car
Out of nowhere, my 6-year-old asked, “Mom, how was I made?”
My heart starts racing. We were at a red light, and I suddenly wished I could teleport out of the conversation. Why isn’t their Dad ever around to field these questions? Do I say “a special hug” like my mom told me? Do I tell her everything? Do I change the subject and hope she forgets?
Instead, I took a breath and asked, “What do you mean?”
She shrugged. “Like… was I made in a factory or something?”
That’s when I realized something important: Sometimes, kids’ questions aren’t as deep as we think they are.
Why Talking About Bodies & Boundaries Feels So Hard
A lot of parents think, I need to find the perfect time to have The Talk. But research shows that kids learn best through small, ongoing conversations.
Think about it like teaching your kid how to drive. You don’t hand them the keys on their 16th birthday and say, “Good luck!”—you start years earlier. First, you narrate how things work and point out safe vs unsafe drivers. Then, you model checking your blind spot, going the speed limit, and using your blinker. Eventually, they get behind the wheel, but they don’t start on the freeway.
Talking about bodies, boundaries, and sex works the same way. The earlier we start with small, natural moments, the easier it is when bigger topics come up.
This is too important a topic to let fear and discomfort get in the way! Let’s look at what to expect at different ages and how to guide our kids’ natural curiosity.
It’s Not One Big Talk—It’s a Bunch of Little Ones
Preschoolers are fascinated by their bodies. They think potty words are hilarious, don’t understand the concept of privacy (any moms want to testify?), and are naturally curious about how their bodies are alike or different from those of their family and friends. This might lead to them showing their private parts to others or noticing the differences between their private parts and a sibling’s. They often haven’t learned healthy boundaries and may undress in public or touch their mother’s breasts, needing redirection.
It is also very typical for them to be curious about their own genitals and even notice that those parts feel good to touch. At this age, they do not understand sexuality or masturbate in the way adults do. Instead, touching their own genitals is called self-stimulation, done out of curiosity or because it generally feels good, but it is not linked in their minds to sexual gratification.
💡 Making These Conversations Less Awkward
- Follow your child’s lead. If they ask, “Where do babies come from?”—don’t launch into a biology lecture. Instead, ask, “What do you think?” You might find they’re just wondering if babies grow in tummies or in hospitals.
- Use real words. Instead of “your cookie” or “your pee-pee,” say vulva or penis. It might feel weird at first, but kids take their cues from us. If we say it confidently and matter-of-fact, they will internalize that it is normal and healthy to use proper names for our body parts.
- Keep it simple. A 3-year-old doesn’t need to know all the details about reproduction. You can just say, “Babies grow in a special place inside a mommy’s belly.” When they are ready for more info, they’ll ask.
- Openness over perfection. You will get caught off guard. You will fumble your words. That’s okay! Laugh and admit the awkwardness. What matters most is that your child feels safe asking you anything.
Tips for Everyday Moments
🚗 In the car: “Mom, what’s sex?”
💡What to say: “Sex is something grown-ups do when they love each other. Why do you ask?”
(You might find out they just overheard a word on TV and have no idea what it means!)
🛁 At bath time: “Why don’t I have a penis like my brother?”
💡 What to say: “Boys and girls have different private parts. Do you remember what your private parts are called?”
(Pro tip: Bath time is a great opportunity to introduce body parts and privacy rules naturally!)
While watching a movie: “Why are those people kissing like that?”
What to say: “Kissing is one way people can show they love each other. Just remember, movies always make things look more dramatic than real life!”
(This keeps it neutral while reinforcing that you’re a safe person to ask.)
What If My Child Never Asks?
Some kids are naturally curious and will ask a million questions. Others won’t bring it up at all. If your child doesn’t ask, don’t assume they’re not thinking about it—they might just not know how to start the conversation.
Here Are Some Practical Ways to Get the Conversation Going:
At a crosswalk: “We always look both ways before we cross the street. Did you know we also have rules about our bodies to keep us safe?”
Reading a book: “This book talks about how babies grow. Do you want to know more about how that works?”
At bedtime: “You know you can ask me anything, right? If you’re curious about your changing body, I’m always here to listen.”
Final Thoughts: They’ll Remember How You Made Them Feel
Kids won’t remember every word we say, but they will remember how we made them feel. If they know we won’t freak out, shame them, or avoid the topic, they’ll keep coming to us. The goal is not just to teach them facts, but to build a relationship where they feel safe asking us anything.
If you’re looking for more ways to guide these conversations, download our Healthy Conversations on Sex & Sexuality tool. It’s full of practical tips to make these topics feel natural, not nerve-wracking!
Need more guidance? Check out our blog From Bathtime to Big Talks: Everyday Ways to Teach Kids About Their Bodies for simple conversation starters.
What If My Child Never Asks?
If you are parenting a child with a history of sexual abuse, extra care is needed to help them understand the difference between sex and sexual abuse. It is important to correct errant beliefs and unhealthy patterns of interaction that you child likely observed and may even think is “normal”. If you are looking for a more in-depth resource for parenting a child with a history of sexual abuse, check out this resource from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN).
Your child doesn’t need you to do this perfectly—they need you to bravely show up for them, awkward conversations and all. By creating a safe, shame-free space for these discussions, you’re building a foundation where your child knows you are the safest and wisest person to turn to with their struggles and questions.
Displacing Shame: Healing by Connection
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